Another Rescue Day…

Lots on my mind this evening. Its been a strange few days!
And as I ready myself for another night trying to sleep I think of the days words and actions and wonder to myself how could I have done things differently? What could I have said or done that would have created a different outcome? What would it take to make one care, just a little, just enough, for someone other than himself? How do you “make” someone honor commitment or be disciplined enough to do what they say they will do?
How do you not become disappointed and disillusioned, lose trust, and become angry when that happens to you?  To the animals most of all? How are you not angry about that? How do you reconcile 3 months worth of planning with “no adoptions”?
How?
What could I have said, could I have made it with a kinder tone, put a more compassionate way, maybe seen something differently.
I am not so old that I cannot see, or feel, or know. I make mistakes, I get gruff and short.
I think a human can see too much, know too much, feel too much and it cant be undone. I did that to myself in my quest for truth and knowledge.
I hold no malice for those with different view points. I only wish they could see what I see, at night, in my dreams. Feel the teeth jarring, fear as they walk through a shelter door, or onto a burn unit housing abused children, or that cat I couldn’t do anything for. I cant unsee, hear, smell, feel all the things I have been through in my life. But maybe, I can learn to be a little more patient, kinder, softer, less abrasive towards people in general.
Maybe.
I can try.
It’s not my strong suit.
Historically, I am not a people fan.
I haven’t had a lot of use for the general population for a long time. I have seen what they can do.
I make no excuses for that, I have legitimate reasons, but maybe now is a different time. Maybe now I need to have more instead of less. I don’t know.
I know I have days where I wish I had never heard the word Rescue.

Senior, Blind, Sick and Safe, loved, not thrown away. Courtesy of Amy Henry Mcglothin’s heart and phone, rescue.

it changed my life, me.
Viscerally.
Unless you have seen my dreams,
walked in my world,
lived, with my heart in your chest,
been involved with rescue
and understand the brutality, you cannot know of that of which I write. I wish that for no one. And wish I had never stepped into that world, myself.
I wish I could un step.
But I have gone there and I live with that. Its a love/hate thing, once you’re in it, people find all kinds of ways to let you know how wrong you are for being here, doing this, saving one more,
don’t feed him, he will go away,

Homeless not worthless

now you have another cat,
you are broke,
you don’t even have a place to live,
how can you help another cat,

Percieve

dog, horse?
You need to get rid of them, you cant bring any here,
if you hadn’t taken them all in you wouldn’t be here now, you made your bed, these are the consequences,
I cant help them,
there is no room,
we are full,
they will be euthanized .
I don’t know.
Maybe all of that is true.
My question to these people is always “what would you do”? I no longer ask, because I have never failed to get angry at the selfish ways people answer.
Who drops off a starved mother cat with 3 kittens, 8 days old, also starving, in a driveway on a hundred degree day in a closed and taped up box?
What kind of person puts a kitten in a box with a shattered hind leg and a note that says “we know you can help her”.  And leaves it on my front porch. Meet Flower.

    

Flower’s open, compound fracture.

Flower

What kind of person shoots a cat with a shotgun and doesn’t kill it? Why did he wind up on my front porch?  Meet Miracle.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Before…             After.
What kind of monster lets a cat get pregnant 3 times a year, knowing that she can be spayed for 10 bucks? My neighbors.
How do I look in his hungry face and say no?
When someone,
anyone!
can tell me how to do that,
how to look at that
thin
hungry, face,
without feeling bad,

Handsome, homeless and hungry.

responsible, 
compassion,
fear,
sorrow and most of all
angry,
THEN I will say no.
Until then I guess I will feed him.
He deserves that at the very least.
I will find a way,
to financially
cover him to be vaccinated and neutered.
Last night she brought me a gift.
Today she let me pet her again.
Now she sleeps in her tub on my porch,
she is not allowed in my moms house.

She knows she is not allowed in. I invited her anyway, and she came.

I guess I do have another cat now.
Maybe 2, if I can help him too.
I have learned that the cliche “where there is a will there is a way”
is not a cliche in rescue. Its how we roll.
We do without
books,
internet,
phones,
gas,
food,
time,
space,
spotless houses,
kind words,
visits from relatives and family.
We learn how to do so much, with so little we are qualified to do almost anything with less than nothing. (from my dad)
We learn how to be vets, plumbers, builders, transporters, legal eagles, state and federal laws, how to talk nonstop for 12 straight hours, tear down a tent, pack a Honda, Accord with 8 carriers and 3 Pyrenees puppies. We learn how to stitch the seat belts back up with saddle stitching, because the puppies ate them while we were packing the tent.
Most of all what we learn is that we can do something.
And that doing something is so much better than doing nothing.
Even with the baggage its wrought.
Even if its just a little something, and no one agrees that you should.
You learn you can change people too, even the critics. Sometimes they become your biggest allies. Sometimes the ones you think are in your corner, just want your place, and will do anything to get it, including trash you and hurt the animals in your care. Sometimes, you just have to shake them off, like a dog with water and move on.
I cant make my past different,
my future…
well who knows about that.
The here and now is what I have to work with.
Right here,
Right now,
he is hungry.
Its dinner time and he is waiting, patiently,
on his old owners sidewalk.

Waiting for his hearts first love to come home.

I convince him to come to my sidewalk.
Hesitantly, cautious and frightened, he comes.
Progress.
No hissing today.

Patiently, he awaits his meager meal.
Gratefully he accepts the help.
Lovingly, I give it.

Even kitties with no homes deserve a meal.
I can do that.